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Food chain by ~critical-condition:iconcritical-condition:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Fixed


Man
Walks into a café
Holds open the door for

Woman
Leaves the café
Crosses the road and is avoided by

Jeep
Hurries to destination
Drives fast through a puddle and splashes

Teenager
Walking back home
Opens the door and

Brother
Leaves the house
Drives to the pub and meets

Friend
Talks and talks and talks
Buys another round from the

Barman
Counts change
Leaves for home and meets

Mother in law
Goes to the shop
Buys flowers for

Neighbour
Drinks tea.
Will go to the café tomorrow morning.
©2008-2009 ~critical-condition
:iconcritical-condition:

Author's Comments

Deffo a w.i.p

Im not happy with the end
But I like the concept of getting a snapshot of someone's life, and that being it.

Thanks (:

Comments


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:iconjohannachambers:
*johannachambers Jun 19, 2008, 8:27:15 AM
I don't usually take the time to read poems, but this is really neat! I like how each stanza links to the next and the whole thing comes full circle.

--
Boycott shampoo! Demand real poo!

My stock account: [link]
:icondeadlymetal:
=deadlyMETAL Jun 20, 2008, 5:13:31 PM
Me? I like this a lot! If it were lengthier overall, and each snapshot was a little longer to describe each bit of their actions, making them seem like real people on the face of the earth rather than just stereotypical faceless figures, this would be really engrossing. However, the short jumpy style does make it easy and entertaining to read, just as easily engrossing, and (if I wrote a lot more than I do) I'd be inspired to do one of my own of these! :) But me, I'm just too critical of my writing. No joke.

--
"I like your thinking. I give it a :dead: award! :D " ~deadlyMETAL
-/dM/-/Digital Artist/-
Proud musician on The Luminarium, international art collective and community!
:icondusk1983:
~Dusk1983 Jun 20, 2008, 11:12:46 PM
THIS IS AWESOME

I love it. Ive been watching a lot of scrubs lately and this reminds me of the opening credits. But more importantly its pointing out that there is so much going on around us all the time, even whilst nothing really is happening at all. Nothing ever changes but we're always changing. Kinda cool. well don lady!

--
My shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter for I have forgotten how to dance.- Londo Mollari
:iconcritical-condition:
~critical-condition Jun 22, 2008, 12:07:28 PM
thanks very much! (:

--
be yourself
everyone else is already taken.
:iconcritical-condition:
~critical-condition Jun 22, 2008, 12:09:28 PM
yeah, go for it (:
I think I might do some more of these, but with this one, I just couldnt make it work, both visually and wordily.
Thank you for the comment though (:

--
be yourself
everyone else is already taken.
:iconcritical-condition:
~critical-condition Jun 22, 2008, 12:10:09 PM
but you're wrong!
everything changes.
Alllllll the time.
=P

--
be yourself
everyone else is already taken.
:icondeadlymetal:
=deadlyMETAL Jun 22, 2008, 3:30:31 PM
You're always welcome for a word or two from me, friend. :hug::hug: I might take a stab at this, just not sure when. :) I keep busy!!

--
"I like your thinking. I give it a :dead: award! :D " ~deadlyMETAL
-/dM/-/Digital Artist/-
Proud musician on The Luminarium, international art collective and community!
:icondusk1983:
~Dusk1983 Jun 23, 2008, 2:39:36 AM
am I tho? AM I?

--
My shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter for I have forgotten how to dance.- Londo Mollari
:iconcritical-condition:
~critical-condition Jun 23, 2008, 4:00:37 AM
yeh.

--
be yourself
everyone else is already taken.
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